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"TV Stuff I Hate"

My old friend Ric Collins just canceled his cable TV
because the crappy programs aren't worth the price.
I understand.
The only time we see cable is during a hurricane, in a motel room,
and we are not impressed.

At home we have a 17 inch TV with rabbit ears
and I still watch it too much.
Maybe we should go back to black and white.

We also have a tiny 5 inch TV.
I forgot why we bought it.
The picture is very clear,
but I get nose prints on the screen.

I will not watch "reality" shows.
They are too unreal.
It's like karaoke for the eyes.
The actors, like the musicians, are replaced by no-talent morons
who belong in the audience, if they're lucky.
The inmates are taking over the asylum.

This generation apparently wants to BE the show,
without the bother of having to develop any talent,
or pay any dues.
Instant gratification for them.
Pain for us.

I don't like any programs about celebrities,
like Entertainment Tonight and Celebrity Justice.
Most stars are annoying when they aren't performing.
I don't want to know about their grandfather's shorts,
or their kids cute antics.
I hate cute antics unless I'm doing them.

I also don't want to know how they do movie special effects
how they "get into" a role,
or how nice the bad guys are off screen.
This information spoils the stories for me.

The other day Oprah heavily promoted
her show about "The world's biggest tumor".
Bring up the music..."That's Entertaaainment".
That's GROSS!

I don't hate all television
but I won't watch close-up autopsies on "CSI Fort Wayne".

I like reruns of Becker, Seinfeld, The Simpsons,
The King of Queens, and others.
Some British comedies are really funny.
As for current programs,
I watch "24", Medium, and Boston Legal.

Who am I kidding?
I'll watch just about anything that moves
to relax after a day of brainbending work...
even Walker, Texas Ranger.
I don't care if stand-ins take the falls for Chuck Norris.
I do wish they'd look a little like him, though.

Everybody dreams of writing a column about stuff they hate.
It's more fun than television.

Copyright  March 7, 2005, Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission.


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