"Some Readers' Questions And A Sexy Test"
by Jack Blanchard

SOME READERS' QUESTIONS AND A SEXY TEST.

"THE BLANCHARD SEXY TEST."
My staff of experts has designed the Blanchard Sexy Test.
You will find it impossible to cheat
because the questions are very subtle:

1. Can you tell men from women?
(a) Yes.
(b) No.
(c) Don't care.

2. Have you figured out which you are?
(a) Yes.
(b) No.
(c) Yes, but disappointed.

3. Which symbol best expresses your sexual attitude?
(a) $$$
(b) %
(c) !!!
(d) ???

3. If your answer to #3 was "$$$",
have you ever been arrested?

4. Do you enjoy looking through toy telescopes?
at nude photos of Buck Owens?

6. Have you ever followed a police car to make him nervous?

7. Are you superstitious?
(a) Yes.
(b) No.
(c) Knock on wood.
If you ARE superstitious,
you may be interested to know there's a curse on this test
and you will die in one minute.

Scoring:
a=83 points,
b=166,
c=332,
and d counts for half.
Multiply the total by your license plate and middle name.
If you have correctly tabulated your score
you are probably not interested in sex at all.
If you're confused you are average.
If you're too sexy,
this test is at least keeping you out of trouble for a while.

*     *     *

"ASK JACK."
An advice column.
I guess people know
that writing a column makes me an expert on everything,
so I get a lot of letters asking for advice.
*     *     *
Dear Jack,
I am a young man sixteen years old,
but rather small for my age.
I'm the only kid in our high school cafeteria that sits in a high chair.
My mother makes me wear my father's discarded Bermuda shorts,
which hang down over my shoes.
I'm in love with the captain of the girls' basketball team.
and I've been hanging on to her ankle all week,
trying to get her attention.
It doesn't seem to work.
What should I do?
I'm writing from inside the mailbox,
where I'll wait for your reply.
If I don't hear from you within three days
I will bite the mailman.
Signed: Little Bert McNertney.
*     *    *
Dear Jack,
I enjoyed last night's meeting of "Coffee with Congress",
but don't you think it would be more fun
if the politicians were not allowed to talk?
At least we'd have a sporting chance to make them cry.
Signed: Ben Dover.
*     *    *
Dear Jack,
How can I make my late wife stop nagging me?
Signed: Spiritualist Medium.
*     *    *
Dear Jack,
You'd think motorists would have a little common courtesy!
Every day I'm forced to listen to their horn honking
through my whole lunch hour!
What do they want me to do?
It's not easy to find a parking space for a train.
Signed: R. R. Engineer.
*     *    *
Dear Jack,
My husband thinks he can fly.
How can I make him come down?
Do you recommend salt on his tail?
Signed: Birdwatcher.
*     *    *
I don't have time to answer them.
If you have solutions to these problems,
please send them along.
I could use the help.

Copyright © Feb. 15, 2005, Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission.