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"If I Were King"

If I were king...
a captain of industry,
a leader of the people,
and wanted to stay king of my hill,
here's what I would probably do:
I would charge the consumers more and give them less.
If I couldn't raise prices fast enough,
I'd put merchandise like coffee in smaller containers
without lowering the price.
The masses have become used to creeping inflation,
so I would creep my prices up at a respectable rate.
It doesn't mean I have to give them anything more.
I would always think of the little people as "the masses".
It's more pleasant to rob those I don't see as real people.
I would build them half-million-dollar houses
made of particle board, screening, and vinyl stucco,
and hang them together with staples.
It's become tradition.
Another way to up profits
(which, of course, is God's will),
is to fire most of my Customer Service and Support staff
so that that my marks, I mean customers,
will have to wait on the line 40 minutes
to tell their problems to my computer.
I never did like hearing customer's complaints.
They should just hand over their money and shut up.
If my companies did anything to kill a few peons
and they sued me,
I would naturally blame the lawyers
and pay my politicians to pass laws
protecting me from my victims.
I can downsize (not "fire") all the employees I want,
and call it efficiency.
I can ship jobs overseas,
and blame it on the unions.
My governments can spend all they want
as long as my companies and I get all we want.
I can use the plural "governments"
because I would owe no allegiance to any one country or state,
the USA being just one of my branch offices.
I think my true stroke of genius is this:
Turn the middle class, the poor, and the semi-poor
against each other.
All ethnic groups can blame each other for their problems.
The unemployed can hate the homeless and the immigrants.
The middle class can blame the Welfare recipients,
while my gang steals the real money.
Hate is such a wonderful diversion!
None of them would be looking my way at all.
I would be above suspicion.
In fact, they'd look to me for leadership, wisdom, and mercy.
Yeah, right.
I have a lot more great plans for healthcare, prisons, social services,
and those annoying seniors with their Social Security.
So much to do!
Life is good.
Wait a minute!
It's just a dream.
Nobody would really be like that.

Copyright  Jan. 30, 2005, Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission.


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