"Dear Jack (Jack Blanchard's Advice Column)"
I guess people know that writing a column makes me an expert on everything,
so I get a lot of letters asking for advice.
* * *
Dear Jack,
I am a young man sixteen years old, but rather small for my age.
I'm the only kid in our high school cafeteria that sits in a high chair.
My mother makes me wear my father's discarded Bermuda shorts,
which hang down over my shoes.
I'm in love with the captain of the girls' basketball team.
and I've been hanging on to her ankle all week, trying to get her attention.
It doesn't seem to work.
What should I do?
I'm writing from inside the mailbox, where I'll wait for your reply.
If I don't hear from you within three days I will bite the mailman.
Signed: Little Burt McNurtney.
* * *
Dear Jack,
I enjoyed last night's meeting of "Coffee With Congress",
but don't you think it would be more fun if the politicians were not allowed to talk?
At least we'd have a sporting chance to make them cry.
Signed: John Q. Irate.
* * *
Dear Jack,
How can I make my late wife stop nagging me?
Signed: Spiritualist Medium.
* * *
Dear Jack,
You'd think motorists would have a little common courtesy!
Every day I'm forced to listen to their horn honking through my whole lunch hour.
What do they want me to do?
It's not easy to find a parking space for a train.
Signed: R. R. Engineer.
* * *
Dear Jack,
My husband thinks he can fly.
How can I make him come down?
Do you recommend salt on his tail?
Signed: Birdwatcher.
* * *
I don't have time to answer them all,
so, if you have solutions to these problems,
please send them along.
Copyright © July 29, 2002 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
