"Ask Your Doctor"
I just saw a commercial for a new drug.
First it shows a field of flowers, and butterflies
on a sunny spring day.
Then this overweight man
comes jogging across the landscape
clutching his chest
and swatting at a butterfly.
The announcer says this:
Do you have high cholesterol and low self-esteem?
Are you tired of getting CPR from strangers?
Are coronaries making you late for work?
Maybe it’s time you tried Retardol,
Ask your doctor,
if he speaks English.
The jogging man is shown swallowing a pill
and smiling.
Happy music comes up
and the man is shown prancing gleefully across the meadow,
cavorting with the sheep.
The announcer continues:
Retardol is not for everybody.
(Then in a speeded up voice)
If you are allergic to squirrels, Formica, or dental floss,
you may become comatose.
Common side effects are:
upset stomach,
conniption fits,
walking funny,
stroke,
kidney failure,
insanity,
migraines,
frequent urination and lisping,
cradle cap,
liver damage,
athlete’s foot,
vampire breath,
speaking like Porky Pig,
acute asthma,
a cute butt,
and
death or running amok.
Start your day with a big purple pill,
and hang glide off the mountain of your choice!
Warning: Dangerous if taken with saliva.
Copyright © March 25, 2005 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
