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Warning to the fainthearted:
This column may contain violence and questionable taste.
Send the children down to the mall.
Some time back I started getting a lot of email
from an oddball I don't know.
It's all forwarded ravings with all those little arrows on the left.
They come in by the wagon load,
I don't know the name or the sex, if any, of this creature,
and I have no idea how I got on this list.
It must be punishment for a sin I thought I got away with.
At first I asked nicely to be removed from the list.
The reply was:
"No. You're too much fun, Jack."
I started getting REALLY mad!
Frothing all over my mouse,
I wrote several angry emails
which seemed to perk the troll up.
It loves my nasty letters!
I put a filter on my email so I don't have to see them,
but occasionally I come across them in my Trash file.
Finally, I wrote the nastiest letter of my life,
and had to lie down after.
Here's my crazy email to the creep:
My email filter automatically sends your idiocy directly into the trash,
but every so often, when I'm looking through the trash file
I'm forced to see your stupid crap.
Have you ever had an original thought?
I've never seen anything from you
except forwarded ideas that some other wanker thought of.
You are an imbecile
and you cheapen my garbage file.
You're a weirdo...
the kind that normal people don't want around their livestock.
Are you breathing hard while you forward other people's ravings?
Are you senile?
Or just a flaky dweeb that has no life?"
Here's the creep's crazy email back to me:
"You're too kind, Jack."
Somebody please send help!
Copyright © Feb. 21, 2006, Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission.