45,000 intelligent, good looking readers.
"Important Scientific Facts"
We can stop worrying about global warming, diseases,
and other such problems.
Our scientists are on the job,
as you will see by their astute observations listed below.
Our friend Don Fronczak kindly sent these,
in a futile attempt to educate me.
The scientific facts are in quotation marks,
and my comments are underneath.
"On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year."
Hardly anybody chokes to death on a typewriter.
"More than 50% of the people in the world
have never made or received a telephone call."
And yet they get a bill every month.
"It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky."
Pigs have no idea where the rain is coming from,
and they don't care.
Being a pig takes all your attention.
"A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why."
This is why there are very few duck recording stars.
"A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out."
Crocodiles are too polite.
"No word in the English language rhymes with 'MONTH'."
I'd thertainly like to thee one jutht wunth.
"A snail can sleep for three years."
A snail doesn't have much to get up for.
I don't know how they can sleep at all with those scientists watching them.
"It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs."
I'll never try to sneak another cow up to my room.
"Horses can't vomit."
They haven't seen "CSI" .
Come to think of it, they can't even throw up their hands. (Sorry.)
"Elephants are the only animals that can't jump."
They can jump if you touch them just right.
You can't say you never learn anything from my column.
Copyright © June 18, 2007 Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.