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"How Classical Music Was Born"

A tree fell in a prehistoric forest and a caveman heard it.
He tried to make the sound again,
but couldn't push down another tree,
so, as the most advanced species on earth,
he got the idea of hitting a hollow log with a stick.
The cave girls thought he was cool.
He tried wearing stone sunglasses,
but he bumped into things.
He got a pretty good beat going,
and the critics called it Log Music.
They almost called it Hit Music,
but that was to come later.
Another cave guy said: "Hey, Logman. Mind if I sit in?"
and began clicking two stones together.
The sparks set his loincloth on fire,
but it sounded good...sort of like Santana.
It was an improvement. Music had progressed.
But there was a grumbling among certain members of the tribe,
who said: "That's not traditional Log Music!
That's some kind of Rock stuff!"
A teenager started squeezing a frog, throwing the whole thing off.
This was not progress.
All change is not progress.
Frog Music was going to corrupt the kids.
They played it just to annoy the adults...
and the frogs.
Jumping ahead a few hundred centuries,
we find a Roman playing a stringed instrument.
He calls it a "Loot",
because he stole it from a Greek.
History mistakenly refers to it as a "Lute".
Another instrument of the time was the "Liar",
because the musician wouldn't say where he got it.
It has come down to us as the "Lyre".
You can't find research like mine just anywhere.
Then a guy invented the "Recorder".
Afterward, he realized that they did not have electricity,
so he blew through it.
He called it a "Fluke", later called a "Flute".
After that came the violin family,
the harp, some wind instruments,
and a Pianoforte,
which they could hide in, in case of attack.
Classical music was born!
Of course, they didn't know it was classical.
They thought it was pretty hip.

Copyright  Feb. 19, 2005, Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved. 
Reprinted by permission.

 

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