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"Henhouse Murder Trial Begins"

(Jack informs me: "... The Henhouse Murder was run as a real news item. 
The proofreader at the paper thought it was news, and not one of my columns. 
He left out my picture and byline. Caused quite a stir in Orlando. 
We came into our club that night and heard people at the bar talking 
about the county inspector who went berserk. That's funnier than the story.") 


HENHOUSE MURDER TRIAL BEGINS. Reporter: Jack Blanchard Jury selection has begun in the notorious Henhouse Murder trial of Adrian "Cluck" Rydzinek, suspended county livestock inspector accused of the killing of seven hundred thirty-one chickens, three pigs, one horse, and the assault of Mrs. Fanny G. Heimeier, 87, of Heimeier Farms, Inc., 8212 Wyless Road, who had been sitting innocently on the porch. Herman Heimeier, the farm owner, according to police reports, returned from a delivery to find his farm a bloody mess, and the assault of his grandmother already in progress. According to Heimeier, she shouted, "Keep out of this, Herman. I can handle it!" Mr. Heimeier, nevertheless, clubbed Rydzinek into submission with a deceased chicken. Judge Fearn B. Fowler, in a preliminary hearing, ruled that the charges would be "Destruction of property, because chickens are not people, and not subject to murder", and the assault charge would hinge on the statements and attitude of Mrs. Heimeier, who has not spoken since the incident. Doctors are encouraged by the pleasant smile that never leaves her face. Court appointed Psychiatrists believe Rydzinek was suffering from "Chicken Fatigue". After twenty-six years of chicken inspecting he just snapped. "Suddenly I hated every chicken in the world", sobbed Rydzinek, when taken into custody. He made no mention of the pigs, the horse, and the grandmother. Copyright 2001 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.

 

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