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"Helpful Hints From Uncle Will"

Our old pal Will Campbell sends along some ideas 
to make our lives easier...or maybe weirder. 

I've discovered that old telephone books make ideal personal address books. 
And...and...this can be done by simply crossing out the names and addresses 
of people you don't know. 

And I've found out that I can fool other drivers 
into thinking I have an expensive car phone 
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to my ear 
and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. 

I avoid parking tickets by leaving my windshield wipers turned to fast wipe 
whenever I leave my car parked illegally. 

No time for a bath? 
I wrap myself in masking tape 
and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. 
It sure works for me. But, my outer layer is almost gone. 

I usually apply red nail polish to my nails before clipping them. 
The red nails are much easier to spot on my bathroom carpet. 

I've also found out that if a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. 
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! 
The blockage is almost instantly removed. 
I usually carry a container of boiling water with me for this purpose. 

And...and... 
I've miraculously discovered that if a person is bleeding from a head wound 
I can tie a rope around their neck and pull it tight. 
This usually stops the bleeding. 

Sometimes I can't believe me. 
I've got to go take a morning nap now. 

Will 

Copyright  January 26, 2007 by Will Campbell (and friend). All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

 

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