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"Back In My Day" by Uncle Goopy
You kids are a bunch of sissies.
Back in my day we didn’t have hurricanes.
We just had storms called “What the hell was that?”.
Our houses didn’t blow apart.
They were held together by mold, mildew, and asbestos.
And we LOVED it!
We never wore helmets when we rode our bicycles,
and our bikes were seven feet high,
and made out of lead.
We fell directly on our heads and were damn proud of it!
You young folks have to wear a helmet when you eat peanuts.
We didn’t have sex back then.
We had neckin’.
If we did have sex, they’d have told me.
We never heard of neurotics.
We had crazy people,
and they were called “relatives”.
My father had his elbows pierced
so he could wear cuff links with a short sleeved shirt.
He had a mole on his nose that made him self-conscious,
so he had it tattooed to look like a fly.
My Aunt Maude could jump three feet straight up in the air,
without bending her knees.
You don’t see talent like that these days.
So, eat a peanut,
sniff some mold,
take off your kneepads,
and wear a lead watch.
You’ll LOVE it!
I hope I can get this childproof cap off my Viagra.
Copyright © July 21, 2008 Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.